good morning, Sunny

I can just hear him now. These are the words I will hear Jeff Probst say to me each day on Survivor. I'll be smiling, of course, walking in to the challenge like so many other Survivors have, 'cause I'll be so happy to just be there.

When I close my eyes and daydream about finally getting to that island, this is what I imagine. Me walking up to the challenge. Jeff saying...

Good morning, Sunny.

I have wanted to be on Survivor since the opening scene, that first marooning on that classic first season. Basically, I've been a superfan since May 31st, 2000.

First confessional ever: Rudy Boesch

Very first challenge ever: Quest for Fire

Who almost became the host instead of Jeff? Phil from The Amazing Race

Almost 50 seasons now, and I've seen each one, multiple times over.

And over.

And over.

I'm a fan. Totally.

My favorite show.

Ever.

But BEING a fan of the show and actually being ON the show are two totally different animals. Why do I want to be out there, starving on that beach in Fiji, scrambling and struggling to get to the merge, to the jury or better yet, to the final 2 or 3 with a chance to plead my case as to why I should be the sole Survivor?

Why would I wanna put myself through that?

Because Survivor is the ultimate adventure! You're out there on your own, just you and the stuff you're made of, tested, tried, challenged, and throughout the whole process, you've got to think on your feet, navigate social interactions on very little brain power cause you've had very little food, all the while telling YOUR story.

Everyone has a story to tell, that's the truth. Some of us are just more practiced at it. I think I'm a storyteller at heart, that's why I keep coming back to writing, I think. And I think part of my story is that I do not quit. I don't give up easily. I may fuss and cuss and whine but I keep at it. That's how I ran that ultra a summer ago. A 50k. I did that. That's why I keep running, keep chasing adventures. It's amazing what we can do if we first want it, then run after it.

That's me, running and chasing goals and doing hard things, that's my story. But there's another chapter. Or maybe a footnote? The one where I want to run after Survivor, but I stop myself from going all in. I'm always training and re-watching seasons and taking notes, but I still had a tough time sending in my audition video. Took me until just this past August. Why?

Why did it take me this long?

Scared, I guess. And just waiting.

To be more fit.

To have a flatter belly.

To feel better in a swimsuit.

Waiting till I'm in perfect shape so I'll look good on TV.

See, I created this disconnect between being the kind of person who goes after dreams like Survivor, and the other piece of me that hides these big self-doubts. I guess it's what we call imposter syndrome. Outside, I'm all like hell yeah, put me on the show, I'll rock it, but inside?

Sometimes I'm still reeling from my last good long look at myself in the mirror.

I spent years telling myself stuff like:

Oh, I can't apply yet, my thighs still rub together when I run.

Or...I can't be on camera till I learn to put down the muffins and get rid of this muffin top.

And... I won't even post a pic of me unless it's at just the right angle, how the hell am I ever gonna be on TV in front of millions of people all looking at my double-triple-quadruple, whatever comes after quadruple chins???

I wrote all this in my journal last year, and then read it back to myself. Funny how when we say things out loud, how silly they sound.

And wow! Did I sound silly!

All these cool things my body can do and I'm worried about what it looks like?

I realized, I don't like this story. THIS is not the story I want to tell.

I am the main character of my life, dammit, and I get to write the story. Sorry, fears, you are NOT my favorite writer. You cannot even hold the pencil.

Because, I don't want my story to be about waiting to be seemingly perfect before you try something.

I don't want my story to be about talking about doing something. I want my story to be about doing something.

I want MY story to be an adventure story.

A story about doubting myself and applying anyway. About being scared and jumping anyway. Looking back, I realized that's what I've done in other areas of my life:

Leaving a bad marriage and being a single mom. Starting a chocolate shop in the middle of a terrible economy. Hiking 300 miles of the Appalachian Trail alone.

Deciding one day, at 52, that I wanted to be a runner and then becoming one.

So self, I said, why don't we embrace this same courage here? All it takes, according to Matt Damon in We Bought A Zoo, is twenty seconds of insane courage. I'm gonna do it, I told myself. Damn the thigh rub, to hell with the chin music, I'm gonna send in my audition video.

And I did. I ran a part of my favorite trail to get my courage up, then I sat down on a log by the lake and talked straight to the camera. And sent it in.

Have I heard anything? Crickets.

From last August till now, nothing.

Guess it's time to try again, make another video, send it in again, take that jump.

Again.

And I'll keep at it.

Why?

Because when I get on Survivor, someone watching will see me and maybe think, hey here's this person who was totally self-conscious about her jelly rolls showing on national TV, but she's charging through that challenge anyway. She may be small, not even able to reach the kitchen cabinets, but there she goes, climbing up that wall, fierce! She's in her 50's and running around that island like she's in her 20's. If she can do it, I can too.

THAT is the adventure I wanna have. THAT's the kind of story I wanna tell.

Sunny on Survivor.

This is my story.

A woman who didn't let her insecurities stop her from running after her 20-year-long dream. Who looked at herself in the mirror, high-fived herself just for being herself and smiled. Who FINALLY, after all these years of watching Survivor, sent in her video. As many times as it took.

And, if I can tell THIS story, who knows?

Maybe.....

One day soon, I'll be walking up that beach, into our next immunity challenge, smiling the biggest smile at Jeff Probst when he says, "good morning, Sunny," and you all, watching me I hope, will know EXACTLY

what my smile is all about.

Meanwhile, I'll keep daydreaming.