just start

Just start. Two little words that can hold BIG fear for us sometimes.

I'm too old.

I don't know how.

It's silly to start this now.

The whole rest of the world is ahead of me.

What if I'm awful at it?

These, and if I'm honest a million other, fears rise to the surface when I think about starting something new.

Right now, I'm struggling with my doodles. I SO want to do more with my art, but there are skills I'll need to learn and stuff I'll need to practice and also there is this feeling of dread each time I draw.

I have this love of children's books and SO want to make those, but the thought of putting myself out there makes me wanna go live in a cave. I mean, it's one thing to draw a cute bee and have my kids giggle at its silliness, but it's a whole OTHER thing to think of someone laughing at me, like at how terribly awful at this I am. And still quite another to dare put my doodles together in a book, then share it with the whole world. Yikes.

I find myself sitting sometimes in the children's section of the bookstore, browsing pages and dreaming up cute stories and characters I'd like to bring to life one day.

Then I get up, go home, and watch 3 episodes in a row of Gilmore Girls.

Not that there's anything wrong with that, it's just that I think I'm self-soothing my fears with some fantasy of living in a quirky small town that takes my mind off of my art anxiety for a bit. And I'm wasting even more time.

How sad to think about all the little flowers and bees and sasquatches I could have drawn by now, the stories I could have already written, IF I would just start. How happy I would be?

I could be SO much farther along. If I'd just taken art in school, or learned how to paint earlier in my life, where would I be now?

I think sometimes we think as grownups that we should have everything, including ourselves, figured out. Progress is linear, we tell ourselves, and starting something new feels like we're going to the back of the line or something, when I don't believe that's the case at all.

I believe in circles, cycles, what goes around comes around again, fashion goes in and out of style and in again, lessons pass us by then circle back to make sure we learned them, on and on, in a crazy beautiful spirograph.

So I find myself wishing childhood wishes again, buying myself roller skates, eating pancakes with strawberries for dinner if I feel like it, doodling little clouds and suns and hearts, playing with the kids next door, looking for ideas.

I've willed myself into accomplishing some big goals last year, muscled my way through a tough training plan, and overcame some of these same fears about being a runner. Goals are goals, huh? Fears are fears, no matter what the thing is that those fears are trying to keep us from doing. I guess I could apply those same skills I used last year to this new endeavor? (Secretly googling training plans for doodling.)

I know I'm overthinking this. My husband tells me ALL the time that I'm overthinking. Of course, MY response is maybe all y'all are UNDER thinking, ever thought of that? Huh?

Why don't I just start? Maybe I AM overthinking and over worrying. I mean, who even cares if I'm terrible? IN fact, I'll go ahead and take the IF out of this. I AM terrible.

I wish I could go back in time and ask my younger self for some advice. We kinda already know the answer though, don't we?

If I was five years old, I would have NO fear in showing you my latest masterpiece. IN fact, I'd expect nothing less than for you to hang it proudly on the refrigerator! That's the secret, here, huh? Be five?

Five year olds don't worry about starting.

They don't wonder if they'll turn 6 and be too old.

Or that ALL the other kids are ahead of them.

In fact, they aren't worrying if their drawings are good. They pretty much aren't even thinking. At all.

They just do the thing.

Cause it's fun.

So listen up, me.

Stop overthinking this.

Ditch these silly fears.

Channel that inner 5 year old.

And...

Just start.

Write that story.

Then doodle.