why am i doing this?

Awhile back, I trained for, and ran an ultra. 32 miles on race day. COUNTLESS miles in my training. That's a LOT of time to think, and overthink, and then overthink once more just to make sure I thought enough about whatever I was thinking about.

And what I was thinking about most often is what I want. Not so much things, although I would really like this cute butterfly bench I saw online and I somehow always convince myself I need another pair of running shoes (I really truly do not). But more what do I want? Like goals, wishes, adventures, that sort of thing.

Do you ever feel that way? Like maybe you need a week's vacation on some remote beach, just you and your journal and some snacks (always snacks!), to mute all the noise constantly surrounding you and breathe into the idea? If I asked you to design your dream life, could you do it? I mean, right on the spot? I know some people who can. But me? Give me a minute. I gotta totally overthink this. I really needed that ultra training time, just me and my steps, to dwell on where I am in my life and where I wanna go. What do I want?

So while I was out there running, and walking a lot, and pondering, a thought drifted through my mind. I like to think of my thoughts like clouds. I once took a meditation class, and the teacher went on and on about quieting our minds and emptying our thoughts. WTH? How? Can anyone really do that? I mean, maybe if you're the Buddha sitting under a tree with nothing else to do you can clear your mind, but my mind? Ain't gonna happen. I know there's NO WAY my mind can be empty. I can hardly get my brain to shut up at night and let me go to sleep already. What I do instead is, instead of trying to think my thoughts AWAY, I think of my thoughts and ideas and wishes as clouds, blown by the wind across my sky.

Where was I? Oh yeah. I was out running and walking and pondering and this thought drifted through and said, "write a blog."

Followed by more cloud thoughts:

Aren't blogs dead?

Do people even read blogs anymore?

Why would I do that?

I've got a million other things to do.

Who would read it?

Who cares?

And the last cloud....do it anyway. For YOU.

I thought about the last cloud's message a lot and during that ultra, I ran past a field of cows, the sun was coming up and doing that thing where you can actually SEE the rays shining out, and suddenly it was clear as day. I said to myself, "I'm going to write because I want to. Doesn't matter if no one else reads it. I'm gonna write because writing makes me happy."

I always wanted to be a writer. Well, a writer and an actress then eventually a screenwriter and producer. Cue the Beach Boys, cause GOD ONLY KNOWS why I never followed through. I've written a novel, self-published it, then let it slowly slide into something I once did instead of writing another one. I've started a few blogs, stressed out about writing what I thought others wanted to read, and quit them. I began writing a new book on the first day of NaNoWriMo last year and stopped writing on the 3rd day. Classic overthinking, with no follow through. Why should I try again? I guess because writing has always been, and probably will forever be, a part of who I am. I think I'm a storyteller at heart. Every time I forget about my writing, it somehow seems to tap me on the shoulder, whispering "remember me?"

I think it's time to try again. Just for me. Just for the sake of writing. Something. Every single day. And maybe all those somethings will turn into a whole blog post, and maybe they'll just stay in my journal, waiting.

I don't know yet how often I'll post, but here goes. It took me, after all, a whole lot of months from when that cloud first drifted across my mind and now to actually blog. Again. But I don't care. I'm going to write this blog for me. About the things I love and don't love. About the people in my life and the dogs in my life and the dogs I wish were in my life (all of them). About the stuff I'm trying out, the adventures I'm planning, the races I'm training for, my crazy dream of being on Survivor, what I'll say to Jeff Probst when I meet him. (Jeff, for f*ck's sake, call me!)

About the magic that I believe is in every single day, all around us. About all the clouds that drift by. About the wind and the rain and the storms of my life, but also about the wonderfully sunny moments, the things that light me up. MOSTLY, my dreams and wishes and thoughts (AND DOODLES) from the trails, the woods, my happy place.

If by some miracle you found your way here and are actually reading this (and you're not my Mama), then thanks for being here.

Welcome to my new blog. After all this time. Finally.

Oh, why the name? Why SUNNYdoodledo?

Because...

Sometimes I DO stuff.

Sometimes I doodle.

ALWAYS I'm Sunny.

That's me.

Thanks for being here.

Love,

Sunny